Struggling so much on the inside
Not a voice strong enough to scream
Don’t you wish you were as fine as you looked on the outside?
It’s as though I’ll never get there
Only time will tell
When my seams will tear
I’ve always wanted to be an early bird - but I have learned that I love late nights too much to give them up just yet. The time will come when I am a motivated morning person, ready to seize the day at 6am. That time will hopefully come this year, since it was one of my only two concrete goals I made for 2013.
Usually I procrastinate and leave my important school projects for late at night - when the house is quiet and I can concentrate (somewhat) on what has to get done. I actually enjoy this process - I guess that’s the real artistic side of me coming out.
But more than anything I am really loving meeting God in my bedroom at 12 or 1am, with no expectations or hindrances, but only confessions and hurts and a lot of tears and His grace.
I love waking up the next morning knowing that God was with me the night before, when my heart was at war with itself and I hardly knew what to do or think. I have learned that joy does come in the morning - but first comes the night. And I have actually learned to treasure the nights more than anything these days.
He shows me so much of His glorious, big, soft heart when I am solely focused on Him during the quiet aloneness of the night - once all the worries of the day have passed (or piled up, hence all the crying and stress). I am my most honest, dreadful, selfish self in these moments. And yet He still loves me, knowing and seeing all of this.